A Guide to shopping with three kids under two, or ARE YOU CRAZY???

A guide to shopping with three under two:

• Arrive at shopping center and drive around and around until you can locate a park next to a trolley bay
• Get out of the car and search through the trolley bay looking for a twin toddler trolley
• walk to all other trolley bays in the vicinity whilst trying to keep an eye on the car
• Realize that the shopping center has a grand total of four twin toddler trolleys and none are to be seen
• Strap Tula baby carrier to your waist and grab infant insert from floor. Get baby out of car seat and strap him into the Tula, while singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star loud enough that the twins hear it and don't get cranky. This also means anyone in a 20 car radius can also hear your dulcet tones
• Find missing baby booty and try and get it back on the baby whilst singing Incy Wincy Spider and trying to stop the twins pulling each others hair out
• Lean into the car and unbuckle both twins. Realize one shoe is missing. Try and bend down in the car whilst still wearing the baby and both toddler twins are on the loose and fit the missing shoe back on
• Get the twins out of the car, grab their hands as tight as possible, try not to let go whilst fishing in your hand bag for keys with your mouth, maneuver them out and lock the car, then drop them back in the bag again
• Trek into the shops and pray constantly that there is a twin trolley awaiting your arrival
• Pass three other shoppers with twin toddler trolleys. One with one child in the seat, one with a child and a hand bag in the seat and one with loaves of bread in the seat. Give them death stares
• FIND TWIN TROLLEY! Rejoice! Trap one twin between the wall and the trolley while you wrestle the other one into the seat
• Stop to pick up dropped sippy cup
• Twin 1 slides legs into the wrong holes
• Twin 1 turns into a solid plank of wood that will not bend no matter what you do, making it impossible to get her into the seat properly
• Twin 2 escapes and bolts for the Deli of the supermarket
• Chase Twin 2 and grab her by the arm just as you catch sight of twin one grabbing an apple off the display and taking a huge bite
• Chuck Twin 2 into the trolley seat and strap in as tight as possible
• Grab Twin 1, stuff her into the seat next to her sister, struggle to strap her in while she tries to feed the baby strapped to your chest the apple
• Pick up two apples and head through the check out and pay for them, give them one back and give the second apple to Twin 2
• Twin 1 throws her apple into a passing trolley
• Stop to pick up dropped sippy cup
• Twin 2 throws her apple at an old man
• Contemplate going to the bottle shop on the way to Kmart
• Head off and discover that the trolley you have has a bung wheel. Laugh, because if you don't you will have a level 5 meltdown
• Keep going anyway. Tell yourself driving a dodgy trolley is a good arm workout and ignore the stares as you head to Kmart on an angle
• Get stopped 2 times between the supermarket and Coles (50 meters) to be told "You have your hands full!" by complete strangers. Nod and smile. Try not to swear at them
• Continue walking now refusing to make eye contact with anyone. This is not helped by the twins waving to everyone and yelling HELLO!
• Enter Kmart and begin shopping. Relax a little, Kmart is your happy place and there is not a lot that reasonably priced homewares can't fix!
• Start grabbing the things you need
• Start removing the things Twin 2 thinks she need from the trolley
• Stop to pick up dropped sippy cup
• Give up removing Twin 2's additions and just pretend you don't see it happening
• Put Adult Sized Sesame Street Shirt into the trolley as Twin 2 screams and screams until you do. 
• Twin 1 spots Emma from the Wiggles and begins singing and dancing in the trolley at the top of her lungs
• Get stopped by elderly lady and brace yourself for the inevitable
• Be completely taken aback when elderly lady hugs you, tells you that you must have done something right to be so blessed with such beautiful children and that you are a Supermum
• Unsuccessfully hide tears
• Stop to pick up dropped sippy cup
• Finish shopping, whilst taking breaks every three minutes to shake arms out
• Stop near the check outs and remove the following items from the trolley: 4 Dora shirts, 3 pairs of leggings, 2 packets of face wipes, 3 storage baskets, a pair of thongs, a cap, 4 baby suits and a crocodile
• Head to the self serve check out and begin scanning items
• Have to get every single item checked by staff because "item is not in bagging area"
• Referee fisticuffs between the twins over a hair tie
• Put booty back on baby foot
• Wake baby up accidentally
• Try and smile through the screams of freshly woken up hungry baby
• Stop to pick up dropped sippy cup
• Race out of Kmart as fast as you can with trolley still on an angle, three crying babies and a wedgie you can't do anything about
• Go to the bakery and buy sasuage rolls
• Stop near a seat and sit down
• Shove Sausage Rolls in the twins mouths for a few minutes peace and quiet
• Make a bottle of formula, unstrap baby and try and calm him down to feed
• Finally get baby sorted and relax
• For a second
• Pick up dropped sippy cup
• Twins finish Sausage Rolls and start screaming MORE!!!!
• Large Man in white track suit walks past and gets heckled by the twins "OLAF!!!"
• Find Tiny Teddies in Nappy Bag, attempt to open with one hand and mouth while still feeding baby
• Give twins Teddies and start to relax again
• Have 2 more people come up and tell you how full your hands are
• Smile semi politely and remind yourself that "Prison Orange is not your colour"
• Catch the eye of another hassled looking twin Mum and share "the look" that says "Hey Mumma, I see you, I get you, keep on keeping on!"
• Burp baby and get the biggest smile possible for his little face. Remember how much you love being a Mum. Hold him up for his sisters to kiss at their insistence
• Shove everything back into the nappy bag, strap baby back onto your chest, get comfy, realize you need to pee desperately
• Head to Baby Room
• Stick trolley under the TV and tell the twins to sit tight. Pray to god no one comes into the parents room as you pee with the door open so you can see them and they can see you 
• Thank god that no one does come in as the whole time you are peeing the twins are chanting BUM BUM BUM at the top of their lungs
• Remove wedgie finally
• Wash hands, wipe twins faces, put baby booty back on babies foot. Realise you have lost the other one
• Give up on any plans of looking in other shops and head back towards to car, on an angle
• Stop to pick up dropped sippy cup
• Get back to car to discover some moron has parked on an idiotic angle and you have approximately 20 cms of space to open your door and get the twins in the car 
• Unstrap Baby and put him in his car seat
• Sigh when you realise you now have no baby booties
• Go back to trolley and pick up one twin. Put her in the car and go back for second twin
• Get second twin in the car and find first twin sitting behind the steering wheel
• Try and strap Twin 2 into seat
• Twin 2 refuses
• Twin 2 bites you
• Give Twin 2 more Tiny Teddies
• Get Twin 2 strapped in
• Go to drivers door to get Twin 1
• Twin 1 scoots over to passenger seat
• Go to passenger door
• Twin 1 scoots over to drivers seat
• Stop and breathe. Contemplating walking away, changing name and becoming a tarot card reader in Nimbin
• Bribe Twin 1 with Tiny Teddies and get her into the car seat
• Strap Twin 1 in
• Go back to the baby and remove Tiny Teddies that have been carefully balanced on his forehead
• Get into car and realize you forgot the main thing you went to Kmart for
• Sigh
• Head for home
• Stop at the Bottle Shop for an enormous bottle of Sav Blanc
• Arrive home  4 hours after you left.
• Later that night, while the kids are in bed and you are enjoying said wine, smile to yourself. Because your life is completely crazy. And you wouldn't have it any other way